WOMEN ARE FROM EARTH AND MEN ARE FROM THE MOON; A Romantic Comedy for Rebutting the Alpha Male’s B.S!

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

                                                                           –Jim Carrey

I love my husband, Mark.  I really do.

I’m just as in love with the man today as I was the day we were married.  Despite the fact that I’ve seen his dirty “Underoos”, heard him snore like an English bulldog with a sinus infection, and smelled his gym bag after it has been forgotten for a week in the trunk of his car.

Well, I’m almost as much in love anyway…

No, I do love him just as much, but it’s a love that has evolved …  The fog of infatuation has lifted, and the terribly misguided perception of perfection is long gone.  However, I promised to love and cherish all of him, not just the parts I like.  So I have learned to choose my battles.  I have grown to accept and even have some affection for much of his weirdness.

And the things I could not live with?  Well, that’s what this little book is all about.

Most of Mark is easy to love.  He has a disarming smile and an easy-going attitude.  He makes me laugh until I feel it in my abs.

I couldn’t be more proud of his accomplishments, the way he has fought against circumstances and refused to take no for an answer.  When obstacles got in the way of his aspirations, he found a new way to make things happen.  His ambition and tenacity are just a couple of the things I fell for.

And he’s easy on the eyes too.  That certainly doesn’t hurt.

Mark is a good man, and I am thrilled that he chose me as his partner on this crazy journey.

Semicolon however comma, I needed some pretty tall rain boots to slog through some of the dung he was dishing out in his little book, Why Men Are From Earth and Women Are Not From Venus.  Luckily, I have a super-cute pair just for that purpose.

The thing that cracks me up the most about Why Men… is that Mark fancies himself enough of an expert to give other couples relationship advice.  Being as how I taught him everything he knows about dating and marriage, I thought it might be advantageous for you to see things from my point of view.

Not that I think I have all the answers.  The more I learn, the more I realize I don’t really know much of anything at all.  But I do know Mark.  I have spent countless hours commiserating (and laughing) with my girlfriends about the ridiculous, infuriating, inexplicable things he does.

Somehow in the process of all that storytelling, as well as thoughtful self-reflection (in the form of angry scribbling in a journal), I have come to understand a hell of a lot about the dynamics of our relationship.  I am an anthropologist of us.  After fifteen solid years of research in the field, I have extensive scholarly knowledge regarding what to expect from the man I share my life with.

I can predict with near certainty which conversations he will recall and which ones will be eternal-sunshine-of-the-spotless-mind wiped clean from his memory moments later.  I can anticipate how he will react to criticism, whether it will inspire him to work harder or tempt him to shut down altogether.  I can calculate with pinpoint accuracy how much I can get away with spending on shoes based on his bar tab from Guys’ Night that weekend.

But as “they” say, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  Actually, I think it was Einstein who said it first, and “they” just keep quoting him because Albert was oh, so right.

So when I was unhappy or I didn’t get what I wanted from Mark, I tried a different strategy.  Sometimes it worked; sometimes it didn’t — so I tried something else.  Many of these techniques were the result of careful study and planning on my part, others I happened on by accident.  I am happy to share what has worked for me in the hopes that my insight might help you maintain your sanity and get a different result when you are unhappy with the current trends in your relationship.

Of course, I understand that every couple is different, and I don’t profess to know everything there is to know about the care and feeding of your relationship.  But there are a few things I am sure of, and if nothing else, I hope that my counsel in the following pages will generate a dialogue between you and your significant other.  And boy is “other” the right word.

He says women are from another world?  I would counter that we are the normal ones and that men are, indeed, creatures from the great beyond.  I don’t know where men came from, but I know it wasn’t here.  In fact, they are so far beyond reason that I often wonder if they originated somewhere even more unlikely than another planet.  The moon, maybe?

I believe that the word “lunatic” was originally defined as one affected by periodic insanity dependent on the phases of the moon.  It came from the Latin lunaticus or “moon-struck.”  When it comes to men, this seems an appropriate description.

No wonder Neil and Buzz were so thrilled to set foot on the moon.  It was a homecoming!  One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind… in pursuit of returning to their native land.

Mrs. Verplank’s fourth-grade science class taught me that the moon has an absence of gravity.

Living with Mark has taught me that gravity is not the only thing missing on the moon.  Apparently logic and sensibility float away from the surface as well.  And sometimes his arguments are as weightless as the people who set foot in his fatherland.

I do, however, look pretty good in the moonlight.  And once you have learned how your man operates, it’s actually quite nice to have him orbit around you in synchronous rotation.

While my big, strong Man in the Moon did have one or two valuable insights in Why Men…, most of the information was incomplete and/or skewed.  That’s where I come in.

My reasons for writing this book are twofold:  1)  The world needs to know where Mark was way off, and 2)  As Mark admitted, I am smarter.  Women could use a “man-ual” for the men in their lives, as could men benefit from hearing thing from a woman’s perspective.  And I’m just as funny as Mark.

I will concede that Why Men… is very amusing.  Especially the part where he calls himself an “alpha male.”  That is good stuff.  I don’t know what pack he thinks he’s the leader of…  He has never had to fight to defend his position in the wild nor have I seen anyone follow him around blindly.  We make important decisions together.

In fact, if you read his book carefully, you can see that I have invested a lot of time steering him in the right direction.  The vast majority of Mark’s “ah-ha” moments were the direct result of my tireless coaching.

While I can take a lot of credit for his insight, I suppose that I may have to shoulder some of the blame for Mark’s colossal ego as well.  I have learned that he is much more likely to continue the behaviors that I like if I shower him with praise.  If you ever want your man to put away the laundry again, you may have to blow a little smoke with regard to his Origami Master folding skills.

You see the strangest thing about guys who clutch their Man Cards so tightly is their enormous yet oh-so-fragile egos.  Mark says that women are sensitive?  We are tough cookies by comparison.  The minute you imply that an “alpha male” may not be really good at absolutely everything, it’s all over.  He transforms into a sulky little boy in Time Out.

Alpha male, schmalpha male.

I also got some good belly laughs out of the fact that my husband compared himself to Matthew McConaughey.  Unless he’s talking about his early career when McConaughey was playing roles like Guy #2 in My Boyfriend’s Back and Rental Truck Guy in Glory Daze.

Behind every great man there is a surprised woman.                                                                          

                                                                           –Maryon Pearson

  

Seriously, though, the heartening thing about reading Why Men… was that I realized that Mark really does understand me significantly better than he used to.  Because we have a really solid friendship, Mark doesn’t mind asking me questions.  Add to that his genuine effort to be a better listener, and the result is a drastically improved relationship.

Know that it hasn’t always been puppies and sunshine for Mark and I.  The thing is, relationships are really hard work.  Yes they should be fun and rewarding, and the decision to commit to this other person should bring you a real sense of joy.  But the best things in life, the things that are really worth it, are never easy.  They say that a lot in romantic comedies, so it must be true.

To make your partnership work, patience is a job requirement, along with compassion, strength and empathy.  A degree in educational psychology would help, too.  You have to teach this other person how to treat you.

 

Behind every great man there’s a great woman.                                         

                                                            –The Ubiquitous “They”

 

Let me explain a little bit about how this book is structured.  I explore each of the topics that my husband covered (sex, commitment, honesty, communication and money), but this time from a woman’s point of view.  Where Mark got it right, I give credit where credit is due (that happens like twice); where he was totally off, I call bull shit.  Then I go on to examine a question of my own with regard to the subject at hand, i.e.:  Are men always thinking about sex?  Is his memory really that flawed, or is he just not paying attention?  Why are big boy toys so expensive?  (In honor of Matthew McConaughey, I have subtitled each chapter with a film from his résumé.)

At the end of each chapter, I provide you with a summary to help you review important information as well as guidelines for initiating a discussion of that theme with your “alpha male.”

My wish for you is that the following chapters teach you the most important component of a successful relationship:  an incontrovertible sense of humor.  If you can get past your pride and learn to laugh at yourselves and your misunderstandings, you will be significantly less angry, significantly less miserable, and significantly less single.

Allow me to share an excerpt of a song from the fabulous musical The Toxic Avenger.  (Fun Fact — The music was written by Bon Jovi’s David Bryan.)  A little context:  Sarah, the blind librarian, has discovered that her hunk of burning love, Toxie, is actually the folk hero known as the Toxic Avenger, an enormous, green mutant with a gruesome face (and a gorgeous body) who has been fighting to rid their town of toxic waste.  Taken aback by the misplacement of his eyeball and unconventional feel of his visage, she suggests that they see other people.  Later, she questions her decision and finally comes to the profound realization that “All Men Are Freaks.”

 

Find kindness in your female heart

No need to act superior

Men need lots of therapy

‘Cause they were born inferior

 

So feel a little charity

For every Tom and Dick and Kenny

And somehow overlook their faults

Of which they all have many

 

It’s a burden every woman shares

Be she mother, wife or friend

The man she loves is no great prize

But still she must pretend

 

She must feed his ego every day

And hear the babble he speaks

Sisters, let’s face it

All men are freaks

Oh, gotta love your freak

  

Yes, they are freaks, but we need men for the procreation of the species. They’re also kind of hot.  And it is nice to have somebody around with some solid upper body strength just in case there’s a renegade pickle jar that needs opening or something.

So sister, go get your freak.

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