Let’s talk about women. They are gorgeous. They are funny. They are passionate. They can be sexy, engaging, strong. Perhaps most importantly, they are soft and they smell good. The best ones will call you on your shit and yell as loud as you do at the flat screen during the game.
They seem so perfect. And then you spend a lot of time with one and you realize… They are not from here.
Men are from Earth, women are… Well, I have no idea where the hell they came from, but I know it wasn’t this planet.
When I reconnected with the smartest girl at my high school (honestly, Carol was the valedictorian), I could not have been more ecstatic. She is a beautiful, compelling, brilliant… And the second time around, she liked me back. Despite the fact that this woman was (and is) way too good for me, she was willing to forsake all others for my sake. I could not have been happier if I’d won a championship, been named MVP, and landed a huge endorsement deal in the same season.
So when Carol started exhibiting signs of madness early in our relationship, I was completely perplexed. I know she is more intelligent than I am, so what was up with these lapses in logic? I was speaking English just the same as she was, yet Carol seemed to have some kind of listening dyslexia — she would take my words and twist them around until my intentions were lost in translation.
And oh my God, the shopping. The woman who sailed through high school accounting (while I stared at her from across the room) and got a graduate degree in business was investing in frivolous items with names like Louboutin and Manolo Blahnik. Those sound like Star Trek characters to me.
I tried desperately to keep Carol happy, but I had no idea what I was doing. I was foolishly stumbling through the minefield of our relationship without one of those awesome mine detection dogs.
And shit was blowing up in my face on a regular basis.
If this sounds familiar — and if you are a man who has ever had a relationship greater than or equal to three months in length, it does — then you, my friend, need to take full advantage of the pages that follow. Because we all want to avoid the improvised explosive device that is the wrath of the woman we love.
When should you tell the truth and when should you bend it? How can you predict what her reaction might be to a particular event? (Spoiler alert: Sometimes you can’t.) In choosing battles, which ones are worth the fight? Which ones are best conceded?
I may not be as smart as Carol, but I do learn pretty fast. I came to understand that there were many, many situations in which I could avoid her fury and actually raise my stock if I just altered my response ever so slightly. There are, of course, just as many situations in which I still have absolutely no idea what to do. And I will never be able to completely explain why women are the way they are, but after a two-year crash course in marriage, I can offer you a few secrets to understanding the psyche of the woman you love.
I have made a lot of mistakes, and I will continue to do so. But I have been more successful than others because I ask a lot of questions. Only because my wife is my best friend have do I have even the slightest idea what women are thinking. I rarely understand why they are thinking it, but I am familiar with the mental gymnastics they go through to get there.
Despite appearances, women simply cannot be of the family Hominidae like us. They are a totally different, mysterious creature. Their thought process defies logic, they have ridiculous, nonsensical rules of engagement (literally) and you practically have to be John Edward to keep them happy.
But we need them. And we want them. So it’s important the we are armed with the vital information I will reveal in the next five chapters. Though she is the most complicated mechanism you will ever encounter, your wife/girlfriend did not come with an instruction booklet. This is where I come in.
I know, I know. Men don’t need instructions. Especially the ones that have both words and pictures. You get to point B using instinct alone. And that’s fine. You are awesome, and those extra pieces were probably spares anyway.
I did try to craft these instructions as a series of drawings, but women are so much more complicated than IKEA furniture… And sometimes you just have to admit that you don’t know what you’re doing. I can’t tell you how valuable the following pages will be in helping you keep the woman you love in your life. You wouldn’t create your fantasy team without doing some research, would you?
Ladies, you can’t afford not to read this book. The following pages will offer you insight regarding the behaviors you exhibit that perplex us. I hope that the next five chapters will help you understand what is going on in the mind of your guy, and hopefully inspire you to give him a break every once in a while. (And know that my references to your origins as otherworldly is not meant as an insult, simply an observation based on personal theory and five years of anecdotal evidence.)
Best case scenario, you read this book together and it initiates a dialogue. The fastest way to kill a relationship is through the series of misunderstandings that happen when you don’t know what’s going on in your partner’s head. Perhaps you will recognize parallel circumstances in my stories and while you laugh at me, you can laugh at yourselves. And then talk about it.
The following pages (or screens, as the case may be) + and honest discussion with your significant other = a better understanding of your differences and fewer frustrations in your relationship.
Finally, I’d appreciate it if you would please imagine Samuel Jackson narrating this book. His voice just makes everything sound cooler.